Scary Movie 5

Perhaps the funniest aspect of Scary Movie 5 is that there are now five Scary Movies. Sure, sure, the first Scary Movie was pretty good. The second sucked. The third was pretty good again. And who saw the fourth one? As for this fifth entry in the series…well, at least we’ll get to see Charlie Sheen get slammed in the crotch a few times.

This looks abysmal. When a movie resorts to slapstick involving pans – a type of comedy that became old in approximately 1933 – you know it’s setting the bar pretty low. What makes Scary Movie 5 even sadder is that the Wayans Brothers, who jumpstarted the Scary Movie franchise, have made A Haunted House, which comes out way before this movie, is virtually the same as this movie, and also looks way funnier than this movie.

Still, concerning both Scary Movie 5 and A Haunted House, you’d think someone would’ve tried to parody Paranormal Activity before this. I mean, Paranormal Activity already has four entries in the series. To attempt such a lampooning now seems trivial.

I give Scary Movie 5 one star, entirely based on the hunch this movie will be scarier than it will be funny.

Also Inception is not a scary movie.

Oblivion

Does Tom Cruise have the energy of a thousand Cracked-out Charlie Sheens? Here’s the last few films he’s made:  Knight and Day, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Rock of Ages, Jack Reacher, and now Oblivion. Four of these are action movies. The other is a musical. Jesus Christ, is the man trying to prove something? That he’s not old, maybe? That Katie Holmes made a terrible mistake because look at my body? I dunno. If Oblivion didn’t look so damn cool, I’d say Tom Cruise is acting a tad desperate in his project selection.

So yes, Oblivion. It takes place in a distant future where, once again, earth has been overrun by terrible monsters. Thankfully, Tom Cruise is around to solve this problem. But if I know my sci-fi monster movies, I’d venture to guess there’s more going on here than just monsters. Case in point: Morgan Freeman being all mysterious. He appears to be playing a villain (finally! It’s been too long.) And you can tell he’s a villain because he wears Dr. Strangelove sunglasses and smokes a cigar. Also cool spaceships, right? Tom Cruise tends to pick excellent Sci-Fi movies to star in (Minority Report, Jerry Maguire).

Oblivion gets three stars. I wouldn’t be half surprised if there’s a twist ending where it turns out it all took place in the mind of Tom Cruise. At the end he wakes up in an empty bed, Katie Holmes side still vacant. Then Cruise says, “I must get back to the oblivion of sleep” and starts to weep. The End.   

One last thought: if evil creatures invaded the earth, destroyed half the planet, and all the humans had to leave because of it, you did not “win the war,” Tom Cruise.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

At first, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III looks like a straight rom com, perhaps based in part on – and definitely cashing in on – Charlie Sheen’s, shall we say, “rocky” reputation. But then the film just gets wacky and unfocused. The Old West and SSBB (Secret Society of Ball Busters) sequences make this movie look scattered and inconsistently funny. Some parts are going to be hilarious. Others, not so much.

I would have almost preferred the straight rom com with the same players, because the non-fantasy stuff looks way better than the fantasy.  And I mean, it’s Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray’s first collaboration that’s not a Wes Anderson movie! I just want this film to cut deeper than it’s going to.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III gets two and a half stars. What this film leads me to ask is: what would Charlie Sheen be like in a Woody Allen movie? That’s what Glimpse sort of feels like. But Woody would probably never work with Sheen. He wouldn’t put up with that shit.

Also if you watch closely, there’s a weird Charlie Sheen puppet in this trailer.